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Jokes told at the December 5, 2007
Senior Center Concert
Enjoy!!
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to
heaven.
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here: Don't step on the ducks, as they
are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible not to
step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St.
Peter with the ugliest woman you've ever seen. St. Peter chains them together
and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes
with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't
step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful
woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and
leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, "Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
The Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?
A: Because the "P" is silent.
WE ARE FAMILY
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand,
embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at
least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish."
A man walks into an ice cream shop and asks, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate
ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of
chocolate."
"In that case," the man continued, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice
cream."
"We're out of chocolate," the girl repeated.
"Then just give me one scoop," he insists.
Frustrated, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla?'"
"V-A- N."
"Now spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
"S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl asked, "spell 'stink,' as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. "There's no stink in chocolate."
"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" she screams.
One cannibal says to the other, "You know, every time I eat a missionary, I get
sick and throw up." "I know", says the other, "It's hard to keep a good man
down."
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how
she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always
thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue
suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what
it costs, but, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, the suit
fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!"
she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their
drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and
asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
it is a very nasty cloudy day out and at this big factory, one of the workers
comes into the building for his shift and his friends notice he is wearing sun
glasses and ask him why in the hell are you wearin sun glasses there isnt one
spot in the sky not blocked by the sun?
the guy says i dont wanna tell ya just dont worry about it.
no come on come on tell us said one of the friends.
ok he took them off and there were two black eyes.
the friend says shit i can understand one black eye but two? you gotta tell me
how you got them.
alright alright says the man, i was in church and we stood up to sing a song and
the lady in front of me had a weggie so i pulled it out and she socked me a good
one. well how did you get the other one?
well......i stuck it back in!!
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